Colorism

Color-ism: An issue which might not be discussed openly outside the African-American society especially during this latest period, but I think some light should be shed on it, because I can say that I am a person who did experience some discrimination based on my skin color. This did place me in a shell outside what I can define myself as beautiful.

Firstly, I am Sudanese, and I can say that we have a massive identity dilemma. A huge one. To people who don't know where that is, it is at the center of Africa. Exactly the center. It is a big country, embracing different cultures, languages, "colors" and religions. Or at least I can say, used to be a big country before the division of the South. Many tribes make up Sudan, from Nuba, Mahas, Ja'al, Dinka, Ar-Rashayda, Nuweir, Fur, Shawayga, Janjaweed and many others. We cannot identify ourselves. We simply can't know whether we are African or Arabs. We are black and speak Arabic. Some of us are Muslims, others are Christians and not long back we had Jews. The culture of each part is very different from the other, that I don't want to even start discussing it. We can't accept ourselves as only Sudanese. Some of us are looking for a globally acceptable identity fitting into it forcibly, in accordance to their benefits. So in all this pot, you can expect to spot some racism. 

I did not realize colorism as an issue until I was big enough to look at the mirror and see if I was pretty or not. I did not grow up in Sudan. I grew in a diverse place, yet the different groups living there were very into themselves. So, to some degree, you can justify how people feel about what is different. Some stories that I remember growing up, as a Kindergarten, kids will never hold my hands when the teacher asks us to make a circle because they thought they'll get dirty, or children making fun of us because it was so stupid that our parents left us in the oven. So from there, I felt like an outsider, and inferior to the point that I wished to be anyone else but not myself. Anyone who had a fair skin, long straight hair, confidence and who people think is pretty. I never even complained to my parents when I felt angry, because I thought they were right. Through elementary school, middle school and high school things were getting better. I started accepting myself as a regular person, very regular person. There were chances that could have changed my life, and turned it upside down, but my self-confidence stood against me in that. So there I completed my journey in being a very very regular person. After a while, I was exposed to similar experiences and stories from Sudanese, and at that point, everything kind of clicked to me. It wasn't only me, these were things where all Sudanese who grew up there had to face, accept and move on. Just like it was supposed to be right. And I was able to describe it as what people call today "Racism". Because all this happened outside my country, to me, it was fine. So I accepted and rose. Now this is was at an early stage. From there on, things started getting ugly. I began to be more interested in Sudan, and came to know about the culture and was so into it that I was not able to accept any flaws. That did not last for too long. We started visiting Sudan more, and I started socializing with the people. And they were exactly as expected.  They were very nice, easy going, social, lovable and discriminating. And I am not referring here to one tribe in Sudan, as what is portrayed in the media, I am referring to the majority of Sudanese. It is not spoken about loudly and not discussed a bit and at some times even denied. But it is the truth. It was a shock to the person I was opting to be, which is a patriotic Sudanese. Now, a certain type of discrimination is not obvious, in terms of friendships, business deals or common  interactions. It becomes obvious in the social life. And it is very disturbing. At times, I would try to find justifications but they all failed. After a while, I came to know that whether you were from the east, west, south or north, you won't escape a bothersome comment. Even when you are a part of a community, coming from a certain family should be a shame. And the most ridiculous comments would be said. So I threw away the throne of the beautiful perfect Sudan I dreamed of. And I stopped believing in the "people" themselves. And this is all not to say that Sudan is not beautiful or that I am not proud anymore. I know very well in some time Sudan is going to be a place where I can trace racism no more inshaAllah. I just had to give it a time.

This is not the end. I was accepted into Med School at a local university where I live, outside Sudan. And it was the time for me to explore what is around me. It was pretty limited, where people still had the mentality of what is different is unacceptable. But that didn't bother me a bit. Not at all. Because at that time, I knew I could be nothing but an ugly dark-skinned Sudanese girl to them, and being Sudanese was nothing but a joke to them. But somehow I was OK with that. And the reason behind this is because I knew I am a proud Sudanese, and have every right to be, correcting their doubtful beliefs is a waste of my own words. And I established such a concept after a number of experiences. The other reason was because we, Sudanese have very handsome men. This might sound funny, but I automatically thought someone will consider me beautiful because I looked like him, we shared the same color. Oh well, I was wrong. This started when we  would get visits from family and friends. And as I grew older, I started joining the talks, between the ladies. Not much of talking did I do, but I did listen carefully. Many things were discussed, things from the place you got your 'Toub" from to "what did you do to your face? it looks prettier". It was a topic discussed repeatedly around me, when I was at high school. People would give their opinions about the issue eagerly and proudly as if it was acceptable. At that point, I looked at myself in the mirror, and found out that I was an ugly dark-skinned girl again even to my fellow Sudanese. I was not up to what is defined as beauty. I wasn't a girl that guys were drooling over at any time of my life, but this explained to me why even the Sudanese guys wouldn't give me the time of their day. I couldn't explain this to myself. It was easier to explain racism to myself than colorism. Because it was no longer an issue of color, it was an issue of shade. Although Sudan was a developing country, smart people are everywhere. They are so smart that this issue manipulated them so easily. Suddenly, to be beautiful you had to be light-skinned with a certain length and type of hair. Actually, to get married you had to be within such categories. It is a sad reality. I still can't explain it. I remember during the wedding of a close relative, days before the wedding, people would persuade me to put some bleaching creams on my skin to make it lighter. Thank God I am stubborn, and I was too tired to discuss why do they think this is beauty and everything else is not, so I used Medicine as an excuse. I did so because if that was what I actually think, they'll pity me. Instead of the opposite.

There are many excuses that can be labelled to why people acted in this way. Some will say the confusion Sudanese are in, some might blame the British like they always do and some are easily influenced by the media and the ignorance of the society. But one thing remains for sure, is that it is happening, and while it is happening little princesses are growing up and looking up to such acts. The pain that I had to endure to play against my low self-esteem was hard. To hear harsh comments from the closest people to you is hard. To feel everyday, that maybe today is a new day, but it turns out to be exactly the opposite is hard. To believe in myself in such a wreck is hard. But I will continue to believe, because God's creation is never ugly. Whether it is to racism or colorism, things will eventually fade out. At this exact moment of my life, I am a proud Sudanese, regardless of the mess above. I am a beautiful dark-skinned girl, who does not need any pity. All these painful moments in my life made me stronger, way stronger that pain itself is redefined to me now. I'll make sure my little cousins grow up in a different surrounding, at least for now. I'll make sure they feel more beautiful each and every day.